What You Say
 “Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up, as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear.”  Ephesians 4.29
Her name was Mary. She came to our school when I was in sixth grade. She was such a nice person. Very quiet. Really smart. Everyone could have loved her, but they didn’t. You see, she didn’t look like the rest of us. Her hair was always ratty and a mess. Her clothes were never clean. Her fingernails were always dirty. She smelled. So the kids made fun of her. They called her names. They made fun of everything about her. I remember going home and telling my mama about her and what was happening. I just knew it had to hurt Mary very much. Mama suggested that I try to be her friend. She needs a friend, said mama. So, that’s what I did. Mary was only at the school one year. When we all moved up to junior high school, Mary wasn’t there when school started. They had moved.
         Now mind you, kids had been making jokes at my expense for a very long time. I was either trying to be a “teacher’s pet”, or thought I knew more than everyone else, or wasn’t as skinny as my younger sister, or…well, it was not fun. Gosh, they even made fun of my name!  I played the piano in the 5th and 6th grade band and I loved to sing. Did I mention I was also left-handed? Yeah. When I was a kid, that was a really big deal. I also lived in a very Italian-American, Polish-American community, and you guessed it. I wasn’t either one. My mom had beauty shop customers all through the neighborhood. They took it upon themselves to chastise me for every disagreement I had with mama, every task I didn’t do. Her shop was at the back of our house, so they heard everything. So, I knew about this bully business. I hated it. It was hurtful and mean and I cried – a lot. I have often wondered if Mary cried, too. She seemed so withdrawn, keeping her head down and only speaking when spoken to by a teacher.
       The children’s poem, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”? Friends, that is a lie. It is a horrible, damaging, awful lie. Words DO hurt. They hurt deeply and most often that hurt doesn’t go away. Kids like me play those tapes over and over again in their minds. The words lodge themselves deeply in their hearts. The result of all that nastiness? Depressed and insecure children who grown into depressed and insecure adults. Maybe they marry someone who bullies them. Maybe they don’t go on to college, because they believe they are worthless. Maybe they marry the first person who asks because they are grateful anyone wants them – and of course – that person is usually a bully as well. Maybe they get taken advantage of because they are too afraid to stand up for themselves. Maybe they lash out at others, like workmates, family, neighbors, store clerks, strangers. Maybe they become bullies themselves. Maybe they turn to alcohol or drugs to dull the ache. Maybe, as we are seeing all too frequently now, they simply end their lives so that the pain will finally stop.
We might try to defend our bullying by claiming we are just “teasing”. However, the truth is that if you are “just teasing” someone by attacking who they are, how they look,  or how they live? You are not teasing. You are a bully.
Christian folks seem to have a lot to say about who is in and who is out of the Kingdom. They are willing to berate and demean anyone who isn’t like them – in appearance or life. They are bullies. When a “Christian” tells another that they are disgusting in the sight of the Lord, or that they are condemned to eternal hell because of who they are, or who they love, or how they live? They are bullies. Their words simply reinforce the tapes playing in that individual’s heart. They force them away from community and from a belief in a good and loving God, who made each of us as we are and loves each of us as we are.  First John 4.7-8 admonishes us to “love one another, for love is from God and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.” Bullying, ostracizing, demeaning, are not the way of God’s love. Shakespeare wrote, “The evil that men do lives after them; The good is oft interred with their bones.”
Many bullied people are so very good at hiding that truth. They smile, they laugh, they go on as though nothing is wrong. However, inside, they die a little bit more each day. Too many times I have met with families or read of a child/adult who ends their life, and the family is stunned because the child/adult never seemed to be anything but upbeat and fun. What they didn’t know was how many times the tears flowed in secret, how many times the heartache was soothed by unhealthy practices.
Bones heal. Scrapes and tussles are often forgotten. The things we say? They live on long after us in the hearts of those who heard them. We must examine our hearts. Have we bullied? Then it’s time to ask forgiveness from God and, if possible, from the ones we hurt. Have we been bullied? Then it’s time to admit to ourselves the hurt that we carry and ask God to help us heal. It’s time to call one another, in love, to account for their behaviors and their words. Name-calling, even nicknames, or mockery or demeaning comments about who someone is, who they love, what they wear, or anything about them? That’s bullying. It’s time to change. We need to be “woke” – and recognize that the way we live and the way we interact – may very well lead to a consequence we never intended. Change is needed. The language and actions of bullying surround us, especially in this country today. It's wrong, it is sin. We need to learn "a more excellent way"(1 Corinthians 12.31). May we learn the language of  love and acceptance. May we teach our children that language, so that all might live.