Worry

“Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!  And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? If then you are not able to do so small a thing as that, why do you worry about the rest?’” Luke 12.22-26

A November doctor’s visit for an annual medical form completion brought about this conversation.

Dr: “You need a mammogram.”
Me: “Really? I’m okay.”

Dr: “You may be okay, but you need a mammogram. We have no record of one here. When was the last one you had?”

Me: “Um, well, um, 15 years ago, maybe? But it was fine.”

Dr: “You need a mammogram.”

Me: (beginning to detect a theme here). “Okay. But before the end of the year, so I don’t have to meet a deductible.”  (Surely, that won’t be possible and he’ll forget the whole business, right?)

Dr: “We’ll get it scheduled.”

Me: (sighing, of course) “Okay. Great.”

So off I went to the dreaded test. It was uncomfortable and embarrassing.  Even though the sweet technician did her best to put me at ease, I couldn’t WAIT to be out of there.  She came back and told me it looked okay and the doctor would get the full report.  I left there feeling a bit crabby, thinking that perhaps I had just wasted my precious time.  After all, didn’t I tell the doctor I was fine?

Two days later I was in my office, late afternoon, and I received word that Jen Merendino had died. Her husband Angelo, an amazing photographer, was a classmate of our Bridget and Dennis.  He has chronicled through photography and blogs, along with Jen, this “Battle” they “didn’t choose”.  Jen had breast cancer, an aggressive kind that they had fought for several years. I had sensed from his Facebook posts that Jen’s time was growing short, but oh how I had hoped that she would see one last Christmas. 

I got home and there was a message on the answering machine to call the doctor’s office. What? Why had they called? Was the technician wrong? That happens, I know. I have friends who have lost loved ones to misread tests and misdiagnoses.  The next morning I called, only to learn that the office was closed until Monday for the Christmas holiday.  I spent the Christmas weekend more than a bit distracted. You are reading the results of that distraction. I spent a lot of time thinking about my life, and when I say thinking, I mean conversations with God, because that is how I think.

This whole mammogram business, why have I been so casual about it for myself?  How many times had I encouraged others to get one? How many friends and family have I lost to cancer? How many friends have I prayed for and with as they struggled through cancer treatments and surgeries?

Before you get too cranky with me, when was YOUR last mammogram? Pap smear?  Yeah, I thought so.  What are your reasons? I gave a lot of thought to mine. Perhaps it was because, frankly, the last mammogram was painful.  Perhaps I put it off because these tests are uncomfortable, embarrassing even.  Yes, I thought. That must be it. No, I realized. That isn’t it at all. The real reason is even more embarrassing than the tests.  I decided that cancer was what other people got, not me.  No, not because I’m better, but because, well, I decided I wouldn’t get cancer. Because I decided it, I believed it.  Silly, huh?  My one last hurrah to a long abandoned teenage life is that I still thought I would live forever and nothing would happen to me.  What was I thinking? Obviously, I wasn’t thinking clearly and the State of Denial is a wonderful place to live. It’s time to grow up, kid. Bad things do happen.

Monday morning, I called the doctor’s office. All is well. That was the good news they had called to give me.  Oh, God, you just never stop teaching me and never stop loving me.  All my worry and distraction was unnecessary.  Or was it? In my conversations with God that weekend, I realized how grateful I am to be able to talk with God. I realized how grateful I am to live in a country where I could see a doctor and have the needed testing done. I recognized how fortunate I am that those tests were covered by my insurance. I began to face the truth, that is, although I may “think” something, it is not necessarily true.  People like me DO get sick – and we all must face the truth of our own mortality.

God never promises us that bad things won’t happen in life, to us or to anyone else. God does promise that whatever may happen, we are not alone. God is with us, every step and every day.  I believe that to be true.  I also believe that, through Jesus Christ, God brought the Church into being so that we as believers would have others to remind us that we are never alone.  I don’t believe that God afflicts us with evil or pain or suffering.  God infuses us with the Holy Spirit so that we have the courage to face the evil, the pain, and the suffering we encounter in our own lives or in the life of the world. Bad things happen. Sometimes they happen because of our choices, and sometimes they happen because of the choices of others and sometimes, well, they just happen.  I don’t think it is healthy to spend much time on the “whys”. Life is too brief. None of us is exempt. The good news is that none of us is alone. When we begin to feel that we are, we can be sure that we aren’t having God-conversations and, we aren’t in a worshipping community that reminds us we are never alone.

I can’t promise that I won’t ever worry, even needlessly, again. I am, after all, a worrier! However, I pray that when I begin to worry, I will remember Jesus’ words, and focus on the blessings I have. Doctors say that happiness does a lot toward prolonging one’s life. Jesus reminds us that worry doesn’t prolong life at all. “Don’t worry. Be happy.”  Yes, Lord, I am working on that one! Amen.